Feeling Alone Sometimes

It feels like time to write about being an introvert and being lonely. I’ll have to do some more research as to what is behind feeling lonely or how people experience loneliness. I guess you could also say I’m a loner and, in many ways, I love it while at the same time I feel sad. I can’t help but to feel isolated.

I think part of it is just my personality. I think I’m naturally a little bit introverted, and some people would really laugh to hear me say that because I think I cover up that tendency a lot, especially when I was younger or when I used alcohol to fuel my social interactions. Since ditching alcohol, for the most part, I’m definitely more of a homebody.

Foremost, I am a Gemini, so I am naturally communicative and social. I am sort of a social butterfly. People have even called me networking Barbie ir a super networker. So I think there are definitely people that have known me in my life that think of me as outgoing and never think of me as an introvert. But when I think back to some of my earliest times in life, in childhood with my family of origin, I would say that I always craved alone time.

I have very early memories of playing in the closet. My mom said that she would have to come and find me and look for me because my two older sisters were always running around and I would be playing alone with my Barbies set up in a corner of the downstairs family room behind a couch. I would just sit there and play by myself for hours making up stories. I always loved to play by myself and to read. I demanded my own room at 8 years old. I was very aware that I liked to be alone. My mom, when I was probably about seven or eight, would get upset because she would have to take my sister to gymnastics, and I never wanted to go with her.

I just wanted to be alone in the house. I’ve never minded being alone. I’ve always craved alone time, and it’s gotten harder and harder for me to get that alone time that I need.especially at this period of my life. I have three daughters. They are tweens between the ages of eight and 13. I’m married.

We live in a small house in the city, in a bustling neighborhood where there are neighbors everywhere. I’m constantly interacting with people, but at the same time, I feel very lonely and I think I’ve identified some of the factors as to why I feel lonely. I’ll write more about all the reasons later, but I’ll start on a couple of topics now.

I think the primary reason why I’ve tended to isolate myself, or one of them, especially more recently, is my financial situation. I don’t think my husband and I have a lot of discretionary dollars to do a lot of things. So I feel like in some ways I can’t compete or assimilate or really open my life up to other people.

My house is kind of falling apart and needs some updates and renovations. It seems like all my friends and neighbors are in a better financial situation than me, and they are able to afford upgrades, like new kitchens, new floors, fresh coats of paint, better furniture, and things like that in the house that my husband and I just aren’t able to swing. That is mainly because of so much of my income is going to debt repayment, particularly student loans I took out to get my MBA.

I don’t like to invite people in my house though I daydream a lot about hosting get-togethers with family and friends. My house is messy. I’m just not a very organized person. I have ADHD. I don’t really manage it. I mainly use meditation, rest and listening to ESMR and binaural beats.

I spend a lot of time lately cleaning, picking up after the kids, and doing dishes and laundry. I definitely dedicate a lot of time to it, but it sometimes just feels like a un-winnable battle. I can’t win. I don’t think I could afford a cleaning person long term though I’ve had one in the past when my kids were young. This means I’m embarrassed to have people over because of the mess and clutter and because of just my inability to afford nice things.

For example, we’ve had the same television in our house 17 years. Its a great tv. It works well , but it’s just not as big and as modern as, as people might expect if they were to come into our house.

We drive old cars. Like really old. My primary car is a 1998 Toyota Tacoma. Our other car is a 2014 Chrysler Town and Country. That’s a source of embarrassment when I have to pick people up. While I feel proud of the ability to own and maintain things for a long time, I feel like some of those things prevent me from really letting people get close to me.

Next time I’ll write more about some other reasons I think contribute to my loneliness.