Still Feeling Alone

I believe my roots and family of origin have something to do with my feeling of not always belonging. Sometimes

I feel separate from people around me because my father was an immigrant to this country and is not highly educated. My mother did graduate from high school, never worked outside of the home. This differs from many people in my circles today. I overhear them talking about their parents professional lives or college experiences.

I think my parents had trouble making connections because my dad being a foreigner and his lack of education. My mother also had a lot of social anxieties and irrational fears and would self medicate with alcohol and cigarettes.

Additionally my dad was from a big family, being one of 9 children, while my mother was an only child. Their sibling relationships, or lack of them, shaped many of my life experiences to this day. We were

always doing family stuff with my paternal side of the family and I feel fortunate to this day to belong to a large family that cares about me and my children. Since my mother was an only child, I think she deals with loneliness all the time, especially now that my grandparents have passed.

So I feel like I didn’t make as many connections that would help me feel like I belong in my current life because of who they are. They didn’t know to put me in different activities, like sports or clubs. Also, I was the third child and they were sort of worn out by the time I got older. They didn’t really know about or have the capacity or energy to put me in clubs and sports activities where maybe I would’ve made more friends. My older sisters tried to clue me in to things that would make me cooler but then I got wrapped up in their social lives and an older crowd instead of my own peers in high school.

My parents current situation also feel alienating compared to many of my acquaintances. Many people I know, it appears, have wealthy parents who will pass on some generational wealth. While I enjoyed a comfortable lifestyle growing up, my parents financial situation changed as I became an adult. My dad developed a significant gambling problem and basically lost his house and business. My mother never worked and now basically supports them both on her inheritance, being an only child, from her parents.they live modestly in a condo on a very fixed income. While I see many of my friends enjoying vacations and experiences paid for by their parents for them and their children, I know there aren’t opportunities like that for my sisters and I. I also know there won’t be a generational wealth transfer for either myself or my husband. Sometimes I feel depressed or resentful about that situation, but I know in my heart that I am blessed to have a living family I can rely on for love and comfort.

I think that’s definitely a factor. And so as I’m an adult, I don’t maybe relate to people as well. Um, you know, people, most of the people in my neighborhood, their parents are wealthy, they have money.

My parents now is a time in real life, don’t have money, so we’re not getting any kind of support from our parents. If anything, it’s the opposite where we’re providing more support to our parents, so we’re not going to receive any kind of inheritance. So we’re just not as financially stable.